Death

I've been thinking about death lately. Not in a morbid way. If you can think about death in a non-morbid way then that's how I've been thinking about it. It's pretty inevitable so I might as well plan for it and then hope to delay it as much as possible.

I sort of know what kind of funeral I want, but I need to put the word out, otherwise the secret might die with me and I might get something unsuitable. I'm not sure how much my personal taste should run wild in this area. On one hand I expect I'll be paying for it, or at least the costs will come out of my estate, and I should be calling the tune; but since I won't be conscious it doesn't really matter to me what happens. Like any good host I should provide whatever the attendees will enjoy (?) most.

But who will the attendees be? I'm planning to outlive everybody I know. I suppose I have to assume that something has gone wrong and everyone I know now will be there. Or even that the people I know around the time of my demise will be similar to the people I know now. So basically, whoever turns up should know me, know what I'm like and be able to say to each other in the car park afterwards "I've never been to a funeral like that before, but it's what he would have wanted"

I don't want any of that religious stuff. I've lived the majority of my life outside churches and I'm not planning to skulk back inside when I'm dead. I don't want to be buried in consecrated ground either. It's cremation for me, dressed in some nice black clothes. And I'd be obliged if someone could take my ashes back to Leeds. There's a park where I believe I planted an acorn when I was very young, Butchers Hill I think its called. That seems like a good place for me to symbolically rest.

The service should start with a great tune- "Glam Racket" by The Fall. I've listened to those lyrics time and time again, and they still don't make any sense. A bit like life really.

And I'm not really sure what else should happen. It's tempting to just have a sombre DJ in a black frock coat play my all time top ten songs. But I should try to put on a show which has a meaning. To convey the message that I've had a fairly enjoyable life, tried to live it the way I wanted to, and I go into oblivion with out too much regret. There's a passage which sums this up at the end of "The Watchmen" by Alan Moore, where Rorshach realises that Dr Manhattan has to kill him. Someone could read it out.

After this it would be nice if someone who knew me could stand up and say what a nice chap I was. I don't want to be too ambitious though, maybe a PowerPoint presentation of some of my recent holiday photos would be a good alternative - the first one should be upside-down, that's always funny. And a song, either "Orange Claw Hammer" by Captain Beefheart & his Magic Band, or "54 Cymru Beats" by the Aphex Twin.

Maybe both, how am I doing for time? I'd like to have another reading, one which neatly encapsulates my personal philosophy, makes everyone think a bit. Nothing comes to mind though. So my choices are

1. something bizarre, like the Windows 2000 EULA or an extract from "Moby Dick"
2. something pretentious e.g. from Paradise Lost, a book I can't make head or tail of while I'm alive
3. something from one of my favourite authors, H P Lovecraft or Philip K Dick or William Gibson

I have to go with option 3, and I had a skim though tonight. Didn't find anything appropriate so unless I change this later please use one of the bits about the battle robots from Count Zero

And for the outro, "This Corrosion" by the Sisters of Mercy. It's pretty long so the guests don't have to stay for all of it. My environmentally-friendly cardboard coffin (with the Ajut eyes drawn on) should whisk through the curtains when the bass guitar part begins.

With a bit of luck I'll have a bit of money left over when I'm gone and after my bills are paid. If there's some funds available I'd like to put on some drinks and a vegan buffet. Linda Mccartney sausage rolls and avocado sushi.

Any volunteers to be my executor?

roots

this is what the Internet is all about for me. this would take years of research to do by hand but in a couple of clicks you can look at the purple bit on the map and find out where home is. my home is in God's Own County. Or the People's Republic of West Yorkshire (PWRC) as some call it.

Is february the worst month?

many think it is, but the weather wasn't too bad for most of saturday, went for a walk in the countryside near bolton with my lovely gf. the sunshine got obscured by fog about halfway though, but we managed to get back to the car.

Started work on the new Thomas Pynchon book. Apparently The Klaxons are engaged in the same pursuit. I've just read the link to Against The Day and found that it is over 900 pages. I'm going to need more reading time in my life